He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
