I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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