8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize