Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
