My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
