I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She told me I should be a condom model.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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