there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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