There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
