So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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