I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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