she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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