we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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