A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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