there's paper in my vomit.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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