If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
