I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
