Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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