apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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