not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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