Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
