I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
