life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
