did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
