if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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