Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
