I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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