I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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