U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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