I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
