Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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