Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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