we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
