I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize