im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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