i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Mom said you looked used
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
