They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
