New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize