would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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