Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
