at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
