It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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