i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He told me they were just razor bumps!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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