Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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