Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
