I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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