I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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