oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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