So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize