He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
did you just send me my own nude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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