Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
