I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
