so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
