pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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