Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Randomize
