So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
